Love can be a real mother f*cker. It can bring us the greatest feeling of joy and also the deepest pain. In fact, the more an individual is capable of loving, the deeper the pain they experience when grieving what is lost. Love is the reason we do just about everything we do in life and whether we realize (or admit) it or not, we’re all walking this Earth in search of love. It is the single most powerful thing we can feel, and even with the knowledge that our hearts can be ripped right out of our chest at times, love is our greatest motivator in life.
A few years ago my boyfriend at the time and I were in that stage of love where we could not get enough of each other. The feelings of passion, love, and joy simply being in each other’s presence was so magical and intense, he thought there was no word in the English language to describe the feeling we shared. So he came up with a word for it and that word was “Umbuntu.”
I honestly thought he made up that word, but later came to find out "Ubuntu" is a Nguni word meaning ‘humanity’ or ‘I am because we are'. Not quite the same meaning that we attached to our variation of the word with the added 'm', but when we were together, we shared "Umbuntu", and whether he’d heard it somewhere else or not, it meant what it meant for us.
This word itself has popped in my head frequently this past week and I’ve thought to write about it, about love, and the present feeling of Ubuntu I'm experiencing, yet I hadn’t. And as fate would have it, when I opened the Calm App this morning, today’s daily meditation was titled “Ubuntu.” I mean, what are the freaking chances?!?
Full disclosure, I was inspired to write about my experience of Ubuntu after watching Aviici's Tribute Concert on a recent Delta flight. I was literally smiling, crying, laughing, and dancing the entire time, in my seat. Thank GOD I had the row to myself! Love comes in many different forms, and on that flight, for those two hours, I felt and experienced the familiar feeling of pure joy and love. That experience, and many others, reminded me that love can be accessed anywhere, anytime, whether with someone or not, we simply get to create it.
I usually enjoy writing about trips and travels around the world, however there is no longer journey we will ever take in life than the journey within ourselves, and the journey to find love- whether it be self-love or love for another person. I am constantly learning about myself, who I am, about the areas in my life where I thrive and where I need improvement. To take myself on as I have and do is scary, exciting, painful, joyful, and so very rewarding. I realize this post is quite personal and by being vulnerable in sharing my thoughts around love, and about where I am today, it is in a way making me stronger, by putting myself out there.
"The longest journey a man must take is the eighteen inches from his head to his heart." -Lao Tzu
I love being in love. Don’t we all? Someone at dinner last week asked me if I’m open to being in a relationship, and my response was “I am so ready. I thrive when I’m in love!” And that is so very true. Loving someone else, and being loved in return, is quite possibly the greatest feeling on Earth and I honestly feel I am at my best when able to pour my love and affection into another soul. I'm not chasing anyone, nor am I giving in to every opportunity that is knocking at my door, so until I find the right person to open my heart up to, I will continue my journey of self love and pouring all the love I would into that person, into myself and those dearest to me. And as I do this, I am literally experiencing being in love every single day, even when no one else is around!
My San Diego housemate recently told me he’s never met anyone who loves to be in love more than me. I mean, that can't be true. Surely everyone yearns to be in love with another, right? Don't we all want to be seen, loved and appreciated by another? Are there really people out there who truthfully do not wish to love and be loved? Who genuinely prefer to walk alone in their life’s path forever? If you are one, please enlighten me and share your experience of this with me. Really, I’d like to understand your feelings surrounding love.
I am currently at a place in life where I am wholly and completely in love with the woman I am and who I am becoming, and the experiences that have brought me to this place. I enjoy waking up and dancing, being in my own space, enjoying my own company or being in the company of friends and family, heading to dinner or on trips alone or with others. I have zero obligations to anyone or anything right now and I can do anything and go anywhere I desire. How amazing is that? And because I know it is short lived, I’m making the most of it.
I am hyper aware that this is a time in life when I am most powerful, and also most vulnerable. Because I'm vibrating high and exuding confidence and happiness, this is the exact time when someone walks into my life unexpectedly and says “Hey, you look like a beautiful ray of sunshine, let me steal a piece of that and waste your time for a while, until I feel like experiencing ‘something different’. “ Yes, this is the exact time in life I get to be awake, and cautious of those kinds of men—I want no part of a shallow connection and I'm not here for anyone's character development or short term pleasure. I am manifesting the real deal, and am both ready and worthy of it.
I’m not afraid of love, nor am I afraid of falling in love again. I remember each time my heart was broken (whether I did the breaking or had my heart broken), my Mom was right there to make me feel loved and to remind me that I will love again. She would listen to me each time, sobbing, telling her how I felt to my core that I would never find another love or be loved by another man. She would laugh in a kind way and tell me that just wasn’t true. She knew I would find someone again and she’s always been right. I have fallen in love over and over again even after my heart had been crushed. I still feel her words, and now I laugh when I have that same thought that I won’t find another love, because, of course I will!
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." -Lao Tzu
So I find myself experiencing the feeling of being in love even though I am not in a relationship with anyone right now. It took me some time and I had to go though some real dark emotions and dig deep to get to where I am today. And you'd better believe I did! Because I found my feet and baddassery again, and am certain that when the Universe, God, my Angels feel that I’m ready, someone will again waltz right into my life when I least expect it.
Someone that is worthy of my time, my loyalty, and my love. We will love, we will experience Ubuntu, and this time, he will not leave to go explore other options because he will know I am everything he could ever possibly ask for. I simply will not settle for anything less, ever again.
If any of you are grieving or going through heartbreak, or just find yourself stuck, take it from me, you will get through this! In the last 15+ years I have experienced so much love! And also heartache, betrayal, loss, and grief, and yet have always, always come out the other side a stronger, wiser, more resilient and loving woman. Healing, letting go, facing our pain and fears is not an easy path, but it is a rewarding one once you find the courage to let go and find your groove and self-love again. I'm no saint and I definitely don't have all the answers, but I put the work in each and every day to become a better version of myself for myself and those dear to me, and eventually, for the man I have dreamt about meeting my entire life.
With Ubuntu,
Sara Lana
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