I had heard of breathwork and have friends that have been practicing and leading breathwork for some time. However, I never understood the importance and power of using our breath to heal, until recently when I experienced something I hadn't ever before: a real life legit breakdown. Life, stress, grief, all caught up to me and stopped me right in my tracks a couple months ago, and thankfully, where there is breakdown, there is breakthrough!!!
I have never been a depressed individual - quite the opposite actually! But these past 4 or so months I could feel something wasn't right. I wasn't being my happy-go-lucky self, life felt harder, I couldn't concentrate, my normally high emotional intelligence was failing me, and some relationships suffered because of it. Namely, the relationship with myself. And this August, all the shit hit the fan.
I headed somewhere I usually go for fun, relaxation and much needed time in nature. But when I arrived, I ended up having a legit breakdown and could not pull myself out of it, no matter what I did! I ran for miles trying to escape my thoughts, I could not sleep more than 3 hours a night for over a week, I cried for about two weeks straight, like multiple times a day when I thought of bad OR good things, could not see a future ahead of me, and although I never wanted to harm myself, I felt absolutely hopeless. This was not something I had ever felt before and I never want to feel again. I grieved my Mom, hard. I thought I had already experienced the worst of grieving her in the months that followed her death, but I obviously hadn't, until a couple of months ago.
Thank God for my family and close friends who loved me right up and eventually back to health. I took a leave from work to address all these things, to chill the fuck out, to free my obligations, free my mind, to find my purpose again. I abstained from social media as it was harming my mental state, I read, meditated, slept, rested, exercised, did only the things that are good for my mind, body, and soul, and eventually flew off to a week of desert therapy in the beautiful outskirts of Tucson. A very, very expensive trip, and also a very therapeutic one.
It was during this month of struggling to feel happy, worthy, loved, or to feel anything other than sadness really, that I learned many things, one being the power of breath. I used it in my meditations more mindfully, and when faced with anxiety or fear or worrisome thoughts, I remembered to breathe. To simply be, and to breathe. This simple task was the trick to bring me right out of my bad experience in that moment, and turn my head right around. I'm telling you, it works!
“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.”
-Thich Nhat Hanh
I continue to mindfully breathe every day, still using it in my mediation practice each morning. I feel like I'm picking up new healthy habits all the time and have grown exponentially this past year, and will continue to do things that make me stronger, wiser, and a more resilient woman. This new habit of mindfulness breathing is one I will surely take to the grave.
When life presents us with challenges, and obstacles we didn't ask for and don't think we have the capabilities to overcome, these are the times we are reminded just how powerful we are. And given some of my life experiences thus far? I'm pretty sure I'm fucking Wonder Woman.
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