My Mom was one tough woman. She was also the kindest, sweetest, most gentle, thoughtful and generous woman, that embodied strength like no one else I’ve met to date. People are always telling me how strong I am, but how could I not be with a Mom like ours? Today we celebrate the women who brought us into this world, who kiss our wounds, who give us strength and hold us when we need love, and what a beautiful day it is to honor them!
Before I dive in to this post, allow me to share yet another “what are the freaking chances?!? moment, and if you read my last post, N'Sync, you’d understand. While walking along Grand Ave in St Paul heading to dinner last night, I was telling the person I was with that my brother and his family lived just a few blocks away, and as we approached the next intersection, I looked to our right and wouldn’t you know it, there was my brother’s car with his wife and my nephews, heading our way! If either one of us had been at the intersection 10 seconds earlier or later, we never would have crossed paths. But there we were, in the same space at the same time so they pulled over, we exchanged hellos and loves and were on our merry ways. We could’t stop laughing about the timing: I was just talking about them, and poof, there they were. Unbelievable, right?!
And now, back to our Moms
I mentioned all of the wonderful things my beautiful Mother was, and I am so fortunate for having a mother like her to raise me and my amazing siblings. She was a single mother of 3, with an absentee husband who made her life as a mother, woman, wife, extremely difficult. That said, she worked her butt off to make sure my siblings and I were well educated and although we were far from wealthy, we never lacked anything, as my brother so eloquently said.
She sacrificed so many years of her precious life to make sure we had everything we ever needed, and raised the most worldly, well-rounded, educated and strong children. For that, and so much more, I am infinitely grateful.
While spending a weekend at a friend’s home earlier this year, I saw he had the biggest and most beautiful bathtub I’d ever seen, and one of the nights I said I was taking some time for me and shut myself in for a bubblebath night. I had bath salts, essential oils, candles, wine, and I opted for my “Goddessness” playlist on Spotify. I set out to take a relaxing and sensual bath, but what transpired was so much more. It was a meditative time of deep healing that I didn’t expect, and organically it became something I now practice often. I began the work of healing my inner child and more-so, connecting with my Mom on a whole different level.
Without going into too much detail, I’d like to share my experience so that you may also do the same…because I don’t care who you are, we all need to heal in one way or another.
If you’ve been to therapy, know a therapist, have read self-help books or have listened to podcasts about growth and personal development, you’ve probably heard about the importance of healing your inner child. No parent is perfect, in fact, all parents are winging it when they have kids really. It’s like anything we do in life: we only know what we know and we do what we do given the experiences we were given, or the tools we have based on how we were raised or draw from the life experiences we have had. So when we become adults, we realize there may have been some things lacking when we were young, to no fault of our parents who did the very best they could with what they had.
On my playlist a song came on titled ‘Devi Prayer” by Craig Pruese & Ananda, from the album “Mother Divine.” This Indian prayer song is over 21 minutes, and without trying or knowing what would transpire while listening to this beautifully rhythmic and comforting song in the bath that night, I was opened right up and fell into a deep meditation involving me as a child with my beautiful and loving mother.
Like in a vintage photograph the hues were smoky and golden, the background faded and the two of us soft and in the light. For the entirety of the song, my mother was smiling at me, an infant, while she does all the things I as an adult now need to experience her doing for me then. Over and over again she pinned my cloth diaper, brushed my hair and face with her soft hand, smiled at me lovingly with a smile only a mother can give. She giggles at and with me, picks me up, places me over her shoulder, gently pats my back, and dances with me.
All of this happens in slow motion. Time is non-existent, love is the only language spoken, and for the entire time I was deep within this meditation, it was me, with my mother, doing all of the things a mother does. Whether or not this was lacking in my life as an infant I do not know and it may be irrelevant. But for some reason this occurred in my unplanned meditation that night, which I’ve done multiple times since because I see how it has, and is continuing to heal me in ways I did not even know I needed.
When I experience these moments and know how much they enhance my life and aid in my own personal growth and evolution as a woman, I share them with you so that you, too, may experience what I have and do, to deepen your own journey in life. Yes, some journeys are meant to be done alone, but to share mine with you is an honor.
So if you've lost your Mom, are estranged from your Mom, or know you have some healing to do, try this! Draw a bath, light some candles, pour yourself some tea or perhaps some wine, play this song, The Devi Prayer, close your eyes, imagine yourself as a child with her, and be open to what happens. At the very least, you will connect with your Mom as I have and do with mine.
“A mother's love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible” – Marion C. Garretty
To all of you Mothers out there, I see you, I honor you, and I love you. Balancing life, partnership, motherhood, or single parenting is not an easy feat, and you deserve to be honored today, and every day.
I dedicate this post to those I know who have also lost their Moms such as I and my siblings have. Losing the one that gave us life is a loss like no one will ever understand until such a loss is experienced. Ona, Sai, Laura, Kristen, Jim, to name a few, I love you and I know you understand.
To my Mom, Carole, “Mamasita”, Grandma Cece, may you know the magnitude of love my heart pours out for you, the gratitude I have for all that you were, for all that you sacrificed, and for all the ways you loved and shaped me into the woman I am today. And may you forgive me for all the ways in which I showed up as your daughter, less than the beautiful, loving, courageous and compassionate woman you raised me to be.
Mom, I love you. I hope I'm making you proud.
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